Clippers Practice

COACH DUNLEAVY: Ok, guys gather around. Take a knee.

(Clippers players take assemble around Dunleavy)

COACH DUNLEAVY: Tough loss last night. But Houston is going to be a good club so don't worry about it. I really feel like we're starting to gel as a team and now that preseason is over it's time to suprise some people in this league.

BARON DAVIS: Coach, what do you mean "now that preseason is over?"

COACH DUNLEAVY: Don't interrupt me. Look, I know these exhibition games can be tedius but it gives us coaches a good look at where we are as a team. True, they don't mean anything and that's part of the reason that I really don't even focus at all during this preseason time but...

BARON DAVIS: But, Coach!

COACH DUNLEAVY: What is it, Mr. Important? What can't wait until I'm finished speaking literally 5 seconds from now?

BARON DAVIS: Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's not preseason anymore. That ended months ago. These games have been counting, Coach. We're in second to last place.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Second to last place...in exhibition. Don't bore me with useless things, Baron.

BARON DAVIS: No Coach, we're in second to last place, for real. In fact, we're a quarter of the way through the season.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Skinner, is that true?

BRIAN SKINNER: Yeah, Coach, that's true. We're 3-15.

COACH DUNLEAVY: FUCK! Are you kidding me! I haven't been paying any attention. For Christ sake, I slept through the Oklahoma City game!

BRIAN SKINNER: We won that game, Coach.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Shut up, you Baptist asshole. I'll send you back to Baylor so fast you'll think it's the second coming.

BRIAN SKINNER: No! Please, Coach. Not Waco, never again.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Then quit you're mouth flapping. Well, it's been brought to my attention that it is time for the quarterly performance review. This is the time during the year that I open in up to you guys and you give me constructive feedback about things that I can do better. So, anybody? Suggestions? Comments? Come on, guys, I'm not just your coach, I'm your friend, I can take it.



BARON DAVIS: Well, actually Coach, I mean, I know I'm new here but I have a few suggestions. Look, I don't want to dictate how you run the team, obviously, but I feel like a large reason my production has gone down is because I'm really more used to a less structured environment. I'm kind of a freewheeling type that likes to improvise. I think that could work in this system but we'd have to make a few compromises and...

COACH DUNLEAVY: I'm sorry, we're you still talking? I stopped listening after you said "suggestions," and then I started thinking about trading Kaman for Raef LaFrentz.

CHRIS KAMAN: Hey!

COACH DUNLEAVY: Shut your mouth, Adolf, if you don't like it there's plenty of room on the German national team.

CHRIS KAMAN: Yes sir.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Sam, what do you think we could do to approve...Sam? Sam!

RICKY DAVIS: Are you talking to me?

COACH DUNLEAVY: Dammit, Cassel, I'm looking right at you aren't I?

RICKY DAVIS: Coach, I'm not Sam Cassel.

COACH DUNLEAVY: What happened to Sam?

RICKY DAVIS: You bought him out last year. I'm Ricky Davis.

COACH DUNLEAVY: DAVIS? Like that guy? I thought you were same guy!

RICKY DAVIS: As Baron? Coach we look nothing alike. He has a full beard.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Well, yeah, but I thought he could just fluxuate the beard, like Teen Wolf. I thought he had the basketball abilities of Teen Wolf, that's why I payed him all that money. How many assholes do we have named Davis on this team, anyway?

BARON DAVIS, RICKY DAVIS, and PAUL DAVIS: Three.

BARON DAVIS: Coach, how could you think Ricky and I are same person? You've started both of us a lot this season.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Are you calling me stupid? You will not insult my intelligence! I am your coach and I demand respect! Look, I write down a lot of things on those line-up cards and AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE I thought the last 18 games were exhibitions and was pretty blasted a bunch of the time. I started Thornton twice in one game too. I don't here him complaining.

JASON HART: If I can offer a suggesetion, Coach, I've found a pneumonic device that's worked pretty well for me. B-B-Baron has a B-B-Beard and RicKEE has a GoaTEE and Paul is white.

COACH DUNLEAVY: Yeah, I think that's going to work. Alright, good suggestion session. Moving on, let's do some drills.



MARCUS CAMBY: Well, actually, Coach I have a few suggestions still. It seems to me that we have too many plays. I mean, I feel like if we focused on good ones and cut some of the bad ones we could be more effective. Furturemore, cutting down on the set plays would open our offense to a full court game that would allow Baron's assets to shine through. Right now we have at least two centers and a few forwards that act as centers and that makes us really slow. I mean, hey, I'm one of those guys, but we have a lot of money tied up in big men and we just drafted another center. I feel we should rotate Kaman and Randolfe a bit more and maybe have me see a little less time if it means some of our faster guys like Eric Gordon and Al Thornton can dictate a faster pace. We do a pretty good job of limiting offense but we don't score any ourselves and I feel fastbreak oppurtunities, or the lack thereof are a big reason for that. It's not going to solve all of our problems but we've been close to winning a lot of the last few games and a little more offense would put us over the edge in some of these contests, we certainly wouldn't be as miserable as we are now. Anyway, it's just a thought.

(COACH DUNLEAVY blinks a few times)

COACH DUNLEAVY: JUST WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! HOW DARE YOU COME IN HERE AND DICTATE TO ME! DO YOU THINK I PAID ALL THAT MONEY FOR YOU SO I COULD HAVE YOU BE MY PERSONAL ANN LANDERS? WELL, LOATHING IN LOS ANGELES WRITES "GO FUCK YOURSELF, MARCUS CAMBY!" NOW THAT YOU MENTION ALL THIS, YOU UNGRATEFULL FUCK, I'M GOING TO PERSONALLY GET GREG OSTERTAG OUT OF RETIREMENT AND SIGN HIS ASS WITH WHAT LITTLE CAP ROOM WE HAVE LEFT! HOW'S THAT FOR OPENING THE FLOOR UP, ASSMUNCH?!? GO BACK TO AMHERST, YOU HIPPY DIPPY LIBERAL FUCK! I WILL ERASE YOUR NAME FROM HUMAN RECORD! I WILL FINISH YOU LIKE A HARDWOOD FLOOR! I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND HOLD IT WITH THE SPINE DANGLING DOWN! I AM A STRONG MAN! I'VE BEEN TO THE FINALS! I'VE COACHED MAGIC JOHNSON! YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO ME! I AM THE DRAGON KING!

(COACH DUNLEAVY rips MARCUS CAMBY'S head and holds it with the spine dangling down)

COACH DUNLEAVY: THIS IS THE VOICE OF DISSENT! THESE ARE THE BONES OF CONTENTION! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT ON THAT COURT AND RUN NORTH CAROLINA 7/B 8 DASH 9!

(Players run off to the court to run a play that includes all kinds of movement but no open shots and could be defended by fourth graders)

COACH DUNLEAVY: (to assistant coach JIM EYEN) See that we buy out Camby's contract.

JIM EYEN: Will do, sir.

Zach Randolfe: Man, I miss Isiah.

I Don't Even Think David Stern Would Get Up for This

Sean Avery is a Left Winger for the Dallas Stars (this is hockey). Avery has made a name for himself as a free wheeling bruiser with a piss-poor brain to mouth filter (money stat: in the 2003-2004 season he had 9 goals, 19 assists and 261 penalty minutes). His greatest hits in terms of speaking gaffes include saying that the French players in the NHL aren't tough, asserting that Anaheim Ducks announcer Brian Haywood had to go through eighth grade three times, and alledgely making disparaging remarks to Maple Leaf Jason Blake about Blake's diagnosis with Leukemia. Most recently, on November 1st, Avery bombarged a heckling fan with obsenities and made crude remarks towards female fans near the heckler. But, the purpose of this post was yesterday's indefinite suspension of Avery for this remark he gave during a pregame interview:

"I'm just going to say one thing. I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just wanted to comment on how, it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Calgary Flames forward Dion Phanuef is dating Avery's ex, actress and noted puckbunny Elisha Cuthbert. Let's take a look at this. Now, readers who come here often (any of you left?) know that I am certainly one to call for suspensions when offensive or derogitory comments are made publically when that person is representing their league/publication. However, an indefinite suspension? For this? We'll have to see how long the suspension goes but if it's longer than a game, it's too long. Sure, this is a crude and inappropriate statement. It's debasing towards Cuthbert (if that really is who he's talking about) and insulting to Phanuef.

But, he didn't swear. He didn't treaten anybody (which he was doing a month earlier, to a fan, with no reprival). Sloppy seconds, while arrogant and douchey, isn't particularly chauvanist as the term is technically gender neutral. In fact, I'm more of a chauvanist for using the term puckbunny earlier. Besides, Phanuef can't be that mad because at the end of the day, he gets to be with Elisha Cuthbert. So Sean Avery is a schmuck. Is that breaking news?

I'm sure Avery's past run-ins with the League contributed to this decision but man, what CAN these guys say anymore? I'm not saying that Sean Avery is Muhammad Ali but if you're going to get indefinatily suspended for saying something that could be heard on the lamest of TV sitcoms no wonder all we get is wooden responses. My girlfriend made a very nice point when we were discussing this yesterday. She's an ardent feminist but was more critical of the suspension than me. We went to the LA Kings-Toronto Maple Leafs game the night before (thanks again for the tickets, Mom), there was a fight and much chippiness between the teams with many stoppages of play to tear people apart. Sitting in front of us were about four boys all around ten years old and whenever the players would get into spats they would stand up and lean in and get extra excited. They were into the entire game, don't get me wrong (many of them had "Jr. Kings" jackets), but they were especially piqued at the fights. Anyway, as a rebuttal to me saying, "Avery is representing the Dallas Stars and the National Hockey League went he makes that statement and that kind of talk is not the image either body wants for their family conscious endeavors," my girlfriend shot back with, "Well, I think the fights we saw last night are far worse for those families than exposing them to this particular comment." And it's hard to argue against that. Those kids at the game probably aren't going to even hear about Avery's comments and if they do it's because of the publicity the NHL gave it by suspending him, and even then, it won't effect them as much as the fighting on the ice. Now, I don't have any problem with hockey fights, they're part of the game and they're controlled in the league and I think they're fine, but you can't argue that a large part of America's hockey spectaturship is there primarily for fighting and hard checking. And obviously, suspensions aren't handed out for normal hockey fights. So why bench Avery indefinatily for something that ultimately reveals more about Avery than the NHL? I mean, it's not like the guy shot himself with an illegal firearm I don't get it.

I'm the biggest advocate for accountability but not at the expense of creating leagues full of athletic robots. A PC culture takes a lot of the joy away from watching human beings doing extraordinary things with their physical gifts. I'm not saying that Avery should be rewarded for what is a dispicable comment and attitude but it sends a message to the league: you will be punished for speaking your mind. And this is America, dammit.


FIRE DUNLEAVY MOMENT FOR 12/2/08:

One of the only benefits of being a Clippers fan (there aren't many) is that Bill Simmons writes about your team more than nearly any other professional sports team not in Massachusetts. Simmons has season tickets to the Clips (to watch the visitors, he's not a fan) and constantly writes about them (yes, he constantly writes about how bad they are, but he writes about them). Now, whatever you think of Simmons he really his one of the brightest basketball writers out there. He understands complicated trades, can see 6 moves ahead, realizes teams strategies and can tell you the usefullness of nearly every contract in the league. And, he's never wrong. So in his latest column (question no. 10 if you don't want to read the whole thing) he basically spells out exactly why Clippers coach and GM Mike Dunleavy should be relieved of both services. First, I've been the conductor of that train for some time. The Clippers are bad, there's no doubt about that, but the talent on their roster should not make them THIS bad (3-14). So anyway, last night the Clippers take a pretty substantial late lead against the Dallas Mavericks and proceed to let Dallas score 16 or the last 18 points and lose the game by 2. That's just terrible. Pathetic. First, as the coach you should be able to have your guys score 6 points in the final 3 minutes and avoid losing. In fact, if you're worth your salt as a coach, you shouldn't let your team come unglued like that anyway but I digress. Even more acutely, the Clippers have the ball with 6 seconds left down two. That's not great odds of winning the game with a team like LA that isn't known for it's perimeter shooting but this situation gives you a decent chance of forcing OT. "You go for the tie here," the announcer says. A timeout has been called, and I say to my girlfriend, echoing the Simmons article, "Watch the play off the timeout, we will not get a good shot here." In bound to Baron Davis who take that greatest of high-percentage shots, the fadeaway 3-pointer from the top of the arc with a dude in your face. Shockingly, it's short and Zach Randolphe's attempt at a put back with .0001 seconds left is wild and misses the mark. That's your ballgame. "You've got to get a better shot that than," the announcer exhaustedly laments. You would think so. It's not that Mike Dunleavy is the worst NBA coach, it's that he may be the professional basketball coach at any level. It's terrible. And what's worse is it's not like getting rid of Dunleavy is the cureall, the Clippers would still be awful even if they replaced him with the best coach available. He's fouled up so much as a GM as well that we're stuck with a poor to mediocre roster with no cap room. Ugh. However, getting rid of him is a step in the right direction. Do it now, Clippers.

Election Day!

I'm not one of those who believes that sports and politics don't mix, because they mix very well actually. But I'm also not one of those who thinks you give a shit about who I voted for so I'll keep my personal beliefs personal, thanks. I voted absentee a few weeks ago so there was nothing that Barack Obama or John McCain could say during Monday Night Football's Chris Berman Halftime interview that could sway my vote but I wanted to watch just the same to see the surreal image of the absolute last person I would want conducting an important interview asking questions to the next leader of the free world the night before the election. Berman, for his part, avoided any punny names and asked inane but appropriate questions. One could argue that Berman was biased a little towards the Senator from Arizona (McCain's piece was a little longer, Berman seemed a touch friendlier with him) but one could also argue that McCain answered the questions better, that is to say, knew his audience. When asked what he wanted voters to think then they saw his name on the ballot, McCain responded in Berman fashion "He...could...go...all...the...way...to the White House!" Yes, it was cheesy and hokey but it delighted the hell out of Berman and it showed that McCain understood he wasn't answering questions about health care and taxes but entertaining a viewer who more than likely sees these interviews as an annoyance between snaps of the ball. Real, dare I say, Joe Six Packs. It's not that Obama didn't answer the questions well (his response to "What advice from the world of sports inspires you today?" was better than McCain's) but McCain seemed much more at home talking sports than his counterpart. McCain said performance enhancing drugs were the thing he'd most like to change in sports, he talked competently and with passion about a subject he knows and a problem that everyone can get behind. Obama's answer to the same question was to implement a playoff system in College Football. That's a fine answer but not as safe as PED testing (yes, many of you would think that a playoff is a universally desired idea, it's not. I know many people who think the BCS needs tweaking but that the bowl system overall should stay the same. I'm one of them). It was a pretty even contest that at the end of the day I'd say McCain got the better of, but who cares? It was a three minute interview during half time of a football game, if you're basing your vote on that exchange, maybe you shouldn't be voting. Besides, it doesn't matter anyhow. If you believe in all that because the Redskins lost the game, Obama is going to win (for a thousand years or something, if the Redskins win, the incumbant party [in this case, the GOP] has won the Presidential election. When the 'Skins lose, the challenger takes the cake.) So don't waste your vote, Bryon Leftwich already decided it for us.

But as it is election day, here at Say it Isn't So Taguchi, we're going to hold a few contests from the sports world to see Democracy in Action!*

*this is not a democracy. I am the sole voter and will decide the outcome of each election. Me, me, me!


The Allen Iverson Trade: Detroit Wins vs. Denver Wins
This is a close heat. This is a trade where both teams improve but nobody said Democracy was easy so there must be a winner.

The argument for Denver: Denver unloads one of the chefs from it's crowded kitchen and that could help chemistry. However, it's hard to get equal value for a guy like Iverson, but Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess are good starts. Those are two above average playmakers right there. You get another point guard and whatever dip in scoring you have at that position can be eased by having a McDyess around. Off the bench or not, I could see McDyess sharing time with Linas Kleiza or Nene and really contributing by adding offense and size. Throw in that Cheikh Samb and you have yourself a hell of a deal.

The argument for Detroit: Is there a better GM in sports than Joe Dumars? Getting Iverson does a lot of things for the Pistons. True, Iverson is not worth three players anymore, especially when two of them have been keys to your team the last couple of years but this specific trade works out well because it allows Rodney Stuckey to develop outside of Billups' shadow and it gives this team a star in a star driven league. It's been three years since the Pistons have made the finals and they've watched teams with star power pass them by (Wade, James, Garnett-Pierce-Allen). A guy like Iverson, when in charge, can drag a terrible team to the Finals, what can he do with a great one like Detroit? This is more of a gamble by Detroit than Denver but not a very risky one.

Election Result: In one of the closests elections of all time, Detroit wins by one vote. Don't tell yourself your vote doesn't count, people, it makes a difference. While Billups and McDyess are good editions now, they are both on the decline (Billups especially) and one can't tell how effective they can be two or three years from now. Iverson is also no one's idea of a player on the rise but his value is still higher than that of Billups or McDyess and will most likely be able to contribute for a longer period of time. Dumars let a popular guy go for the shrewd reason of getting better now and staying better for the future.



Second Race: The Heisman Boy, is Chase Daniel feeling like Hilary Clinton right now? The easy favorite coming into the season and nearly a lock a month ago Daniel, like his pant suited counterpart, has seen his core base of supporters, white middleclass workers (sportswriters), jump ship to a younger candidate with an awesome name; Colt McCoy. Since then, though, the field has gotten much more competitive. Let's break down the candidates:

Chase Daniel: Throwing way more interceptions than last year is not the way to win back the voters he's lost (nor will it help him with the NFL scouts that Daniel is trying to convince that his height isn't an issue). Daniel had a pretty good two weeks since his "Dukakis riding the tank moment" (the games against OSU and Texas), posting good numbers against Colorado and Baylor and he has to continue that against K-State and ISU, before having a great game against kansas and in the Big XII championship game (provided Mizzou wins the rest of their games) if he can pull off a win against a Big XII south team, any Big XII south team he could propel himself back in the race.

Colt McCoy: McCoy could have sewed this thing up, a comeback drive against Texas Tech after playing flawlessly against four top 15 teams in four weeks would have made this the easiest Heisman vote in years. However, Michael Crabtree played the Jeremiah Wright role in McCoy's campaign and now there's some doubt. Still, the tenative front runner but McCoy can't rest on his laurel's now.

Graham Harrell: A system quarterback? If Harrell wins, Kliff Kingsbury will burn this sucker to the ground. Sorry Graham Nader, we're sure you're a great athlete but we don't care about the Green Party. Next!

Tim Tebow: BOOOOORRRRINGGG!!! Quietly (and rather annoyingly) putting himself back in the race but I know Archie Griffin, and Mr. Tebow, you're no Archie Griffin.

Sam Bradford: The dark horse John McCain of the race. Left for dead a few weeks ago. Bradford is making a comeback with by being a maverick (not really, he's relying more on putting up huge numbers). He'll need good performances against OSU and Texas Tech to get a ticket to New York.

Javon Ringer: Who put this name in here? Javon Ringer is Sarah Palin. Sure, good to look at but dangerously unqualified from a area (the Big Ten) which doesn't give him the experience necissary to lead. Plus, he makes people pay for their own rape kits. You can't see Russia from East Lansing, you can't even see anything resembling a good football team.

Result: Colt McCoy. Yes, he had to take his lumps against Tech. But it's pretty much smooth sailing for him until the post-season (Baylor, kansas, and A&M what's left). All the other candidates have oppurtunities to lose their shit (or emerge as the favorite, that's another way to look at it) but if McCoy has decent games in three Texas wins, while Tech stumbles for a couple losses, maybe Oklahoma loses another, and Missouri and Florida stay the same, McCoy still has to be considered the best player.



Third Race: The Clippers Sucking vs. The Clippers Not Sucking: Before the season started many were convinced that the Los Angeles Clippers were going to compete for a post in the playoffs (I was one of them), despite losing Elton Brand and Corey Maggette, Clips fans were sure that Baron Davis and Marcus Camby were going to make everything alright, but lets look at the debate.

The case for the Clippers Not Sucking: Sure, they've stumbled out of the gate. But it's so early, who can tell anything? They've played three teams that won 50 games last year. There are going to be growing pains as this team gels together. But with Davis as a potent offense power and Camby as a defensive gem, this team can work with Chris Kaman at center for inside scoring, Tim Thomas and Cuttino Mobley for outside presense, all the while developing Eric Gordon. This team has a future and that future is now.

The case for the Clippers Sucking: Dude, the Clippers fucking suck. They're 0 and 4 and they haven't even got within a sniff of a win, losing all four games by 10 points or more. They are the absolute whipping boys of the western conference. Baron Davis is already hurt, Chris Kaman can't score by ugliness alone, and nobody has given a shit about Cuttino Mobley since the late '90's. This is politics as usual from this franchise. Well, Clippers, there you go again.

The result: In a landslide victory, 100% of the vote went for the Clippers sucking. While, some of the things about the future look bright, it is clear that the Clippers most certainly suck. If you put Baron Davis on a pig, it's still a pig being ridden by Baron Davis.

Anyway, go out and vote today and no matter the outcome, we should hope that the right man gets elected. We need a good president now, and I don't feel like that is a very partisan statement. Go Democracy!

It IS So

What story could be a more fertile ground for my return from my self-induced, lazy sabbaticcal than Phillies utility outfielder, Japanese ubertalent, and this blog's namesake So Taguchi winning a second World Championship ring? True, Taguchi did not make a plate apperance in the World Series or even reach base for the Phils during the playoffs (he had four at-bats in four games, one in the clincher which I saw in person, he looked good), but you can't deny that this Philadelphia team is mostly the same as last year's model that got swept out of a NLDS that they shouldn't have even gotten to in the first place. So, what takes a team from an also-ran to a World Champion? A little dash of So, of course...or maybe a Joe Blanton...who knows? I'm being slightly facetious but there is only one baseball player that has participated in three Fall Classics in the last 5 years and this blog is named after him. The point is, So Taguchi has as many rings as the Chicago Cubs organization, as do the fighting Phils, who have been labeled the National League's most inept franshise (2 Championships in 126 years, 10,000+ losses, a loser's streak before their 1980 season that rivals Charlie Brown's). Two So related items after the game, first So's wife, Emiko, who speaks better English than her husband (so does Borat) kept repeatidly screaming "Let's get drunk tonight! Let's get drunk tonight!" and later Phils skipper Charlie Manuel was asked a question by a women I'm assuming worked for a Japanese news source during the press conference. The question was something to the effect of, "Even though Taguchi didn't play at all in the World Series, what kind of impact does he have on this team?" Manuel told a story about how he was once sent in to pinch hit for the Twins even though Tony Olivo and Rod Carew were available. His manager told him that he was put in because the manager had faith in Manuel to handle a specific job (in the case of the story it was to move over a runner on second). Manuel then related how he feels that way about So, that he has faith in him. and that Taguchi meant a lot to the team. It was very nice. I mean, of course, the guy just won the World Series, it's not like he's going to call Taguchi a bum but it takes 25 guys. Yes, Taguchi didn't light the world on fire this year, but Manuel remembered the "little people" and that's admirable. The people who don't like So? FOX sports. Taguchi has now been in the two least watched World Series of all time (this year and the 2006 Tigers-Cardinals series). So Taguchi: Championship magnet, ratings killer.

There are plenty of people to feel good about here, not least of which is Brad Lidge who had a perfect season in save oppurtunities, including closing out last night's one run game. It's been a long way back for Lidge since Pujols took him deep for three runs in Game 5 of the 2005 NLCS and nobody has let him forget about it. In fact, I was suprised they didn't show that Pujols clip when Lidge came in to close it out. But the best way to make people forget is to succeed and that's what Lidge did last night and all season. The guy's a winner. But tell me that when Fernando Perez stole second in the top of the 9th you weren't thinking Lidge was going to let that guy come home. I know I was. But Lidge conquered his demons (though Ben Zobrist and Eric Hinske are no one's idea of Albert Pujols) and reached the mountaintop AND reassert himself as one of the games top closers. Change of scenery, I guess. The Phillies' big stars are all likeable and I'm happy to see them succeed. The FOX broadcasting team did a fine job of reminding us just how likeable and nice Philadelphia's young heros are with puff pieces on Jimmy Rollins, Cole Hamels, Chase Utley, and Shane Victorino (they didn't talk too much about Brett Myers, though. Interesting) so I was genuinely happy for the Phils even when I was rooting for the Rays.

And how about them Rays? Easily the year's best story, the Rays must settle for second best. However, don't feel too bad for them, with their young team locked up for the forseeable future, they are set up like no other team in terms of being back here in the years to come. Of course, I said this about the Rockies last year, but these Rays have all the signs of being anything but a flash in the pan. With Boston and certainly New York on the decline the Rays might not even have to be as good as they were this year to make the playoffs. They need a little pitching (although, David Price might be fill that role), a better bench, and some health (remember, their bullpen was all banged up throughout the playoffs) but they could be scary for a handful of years. Tampa Bay is starting to look like the early '90's Braves.

But anyway, that's next year, the next few months belong to the Phils. Congrats Philadelphia and way to go So! I hope you took your wife's advice.

Sake for all!

Same Shit, Different Boobs

(Update:AOL Fanhouse is apparently retooling or discarding the Fantasy Girls Sports idea. Either way, this following criticism applies to the current state of sports.)

I could pretend that I'm shocked and offended by AOL Fanhouse's new partnership with Fantasy Girls Sports that will be bringing you all your C to D cupped nerd sports news. And many other blogs have done so. But for me that would be a half truth. I am offended. I can't say that I'm shocked. In fact, this just seems like the next logical step in a gradually escalating staple of American sports. Sexy broads being used to drum up interest in sports? Maybe I've just heard that one before.

I'm not saying that I'm not pleased that many sites are up in arms about this newest stinking pile of sexist crap, that makes me very pleased. But for a lot of these sites, this might be the one social commentary they make concerning women in sports for the whole year. And while that's better than nothing, it's just treating the symptom. It's easy for blogs to get all riled up about Don Imus's latest offensive comment, but how many post on some of the more nuanced and complicated instances of race in sports? Same goes for this issue. Some of these blogs are more than happy to make as many Erin Andrews insinuations as they can but they take up the moral cause when something blatant like this comes about. Look, I'm not going all Buzz on anybody and I'm not really picking out a singular blog even among the ones I linked to (least of all Sports on My Mind which routinely deals with nuanced and complicated sports issues dealing with both race and gender), nor am I acting all high and mighty, Lord knows I take days my days off. I'm just saying that what's happening at AOL Fanhouse is nothing new. Sexism in sports is a much bigger and deeper problem then chesty ladies in cut off Pats jersey spewing fantasy stats. What's maybe the worst of this, and the Signal 2 Noise post points this out, is that AOL Fanhouse, unlike it's "Mainstream" online rival ESPN.com, used to place a premium on female voices on their staff and now many are jumping ship and I don't blame them.

I could say this is the nature of the beast, that with sports, especially football, all that testosterone will always require scantily clad ladies. But I think that's a line of crap. I have a healthy like of both sports and sex and very rarely do I mix the two, in fact, they seem decidedly separate things to me. But I appear to be in the minority. However, it seems to me that using babes to promote sports is cutting off your nose to spite your face. For every guy who gains an interest in sports because of, "Looky...pretty lady," I would argue that there are upwards of 10 potential female fans that are alienated by this stuff. All this does is to continue to drive home the point that sports are a "guy's thing" when that truly isn't the case.

Most importantly, though, I want to be clear about where I'm directing my criticism here. I am not going to admonish Danica Patrick or Amanda Beard or any other woman in sports who has made or furthered their careers based on looks. Danica Patrick is operating within a world created for her. If she wants to take a few sexy shots to promote the Danica Patrick name and brand, more power to her. David Beckham is the kind of that and his on-display junk hasn't helped to make soccer more popular in America yet I hear nearly no outcry about how he is doing his gender a disservice. People that pick on the Beard's or the Patrick's by saying they should "behave better" miss the point that those athlete's are navigating a much more difficult road in the sporting world. Why is it fair that Tom Brady can do glamour shots in GQ to diversify his audience but they can't do the same without catching hell from so-called social activists who act from a position to end sexism in sports but in some ways continue the double standard. Don't get me wrong, I would PREFER that Patrick and others just concentrate on their sports and avoid the skimpy costumes but that isn't fair. I don't expect LeBron James to do that. I don't even necissarily prefer LeBron James to do that. But we have in our heads ending sexism in sports begins with female athletes and it doesn't. If begins with the people digesting the sports, the fans, and in particular male fans, and their attitudes towards women. No, the solution isn't less sexy pin-ups of female athletes. The solution is to switch something on in the average sports fan mind that allows one to respect the natural grace and athleticism as well as the staggering physical beauty the way sports fans do for male athletes. Trust me, a lesbian WNBA joke is far more harmful than Danika Patrick in a bikini over the hood of a car. Beyond that, the idea that women can only participate in sports from a distance needs to be thrown out the window. As does the idea that sexy non-athletes have any good place promoting sports. Things like Fantasy Girls Sports and even the sacred SI swimsuit issue enable a culture that already believes that sports are great and sexy women should always be there as garnish for those sports. I'm all for celebrating the female form, Erin Andrews should have to make no apologies for being beautiful, but celebration is one thing, objectifying is quite another. Those swimsuit photos have a place and it isn't in a sports magazine. The problem is that society has already decided that female beauty and female aptitude are on two different continents. And that's a tale as old as time. Fantasy Girls Sports is just the latest chapter.

A Far More Desperate Plea for Iowa

A few weeks ago, I wrote a little piece of levity about the issue of the new NBADL in Des Moines, my home town, the Iowa Chops. I would have loved for that pitiful name to be the most embarrassing sports story to come out of Iowa for the month, and there's a certain young woman in Iowa City who I'm sure shares that thought. And this isn't just embarrassing, it's disgraceful, criminal, and tragic.

A few days ago a letter surfaced allegedly written in November of 2007 that includes details of the University of Iowa's gross mishandling of an alleged sexual assault perpetrated by members of the Hawkeye's football team. The letter, written by the alleged victim's mother, details a crime committed in October of '07 and the steps the victim took to gain justice and protection. The letter states that many people within the Iowa athletic department were informed immediately after the incident, including Athletic Director Gary Barta and head football coach Kirk Ferentz. The letter alleges that all the coaches and officials involved advised the victim to not seek the police, that the University would handle the affair in house and that the victim had nothing to worry about. Yet, one of the accused assailants moved in three houses down from the victim, the victim was continuously harassed, and no action was taken against the alleged attackers. The letter says the parents of the victim contacted UI President Sally Mason and were told that Mason "rarely gets involved in things of this nature." The great Iowa blog Black Heart Gold Pants has a detailed account of the letter, the alleged misgivings and the apparent deviations from Iowa protocol and process here. It's an essential read.

The Duke lacrosse fiasco should be still fresh enough in our minds to keep us from believing every word of this (and that's certainly not to say that every word of this ISN'T true, but just to give the University it's due process), but I can't see any situation where Iowa comes out of this squeaky clean. This is a serious charge, one of conspiracy and negligence. Saving face is beyond the University now, something bad took place and it's clear the Iowa's competence in the matter is a mile short of adequate. Somebody needs to be punished and that person or those people need to be punished severely. It's not the intensity of the allegations that shocks me necessarily, it's the scope of the contributors. The AD and the assistant AD were involved, Kirk Ferentz, and the President of the whole damn place--who doesn't get involved in issues that could shake the foundation of the institution she's been put in charge of? Are you kidding me? Plus, the victim, herself an athlete, was allegedly told by her own coach, someone not in the football department, the same line of crap. In someway you can understand the football team taking a bullet for their own players but a different coach is going to sell THEIR athlete up river to protect a couple of football players? It's gruesome, and to make matters worse, UI has been involved in enough similar scandals in the last 10 years to prepare them for how to handle something like this. And it's pretty clear that they were or are not.

The list of heads closest to the chopping block most certainly includes Ferentz and why not? I mean, it's unclear how much he knew about this but there is a lot of stink involved and much of it could be laid at Ferentz's feet. On top of which, he's underachieved for half a decade! If it could be easier to axe him, I don't know how. Missouri's embattled Quin Snyder was fired for less than this. I'm not saying my alma mater should stand as a beacon of collegiate athletic integrity (Lord knows it doesn't) but we wouldn't let it get to this, would we? With as many huge names implicated here we could see a whole new University of Iowa in a few months.

The problem with these things is that the victim gets so marginalized. For fans, a team's performance on the field is such an concrete thing, sometimes it's the only thing. And the athlete's lives and activities off the field are an abstract concept. And when some girl tries to use the abstract to hinder the concrete, fans (and, sadly, media) get mad. Terms like "attention-seeker," "gold-digger," "self-aggrandizer," and many much, much worse get bandied about to tear down the accuser to keep the accused on the field and playing well (although in this case, the accused [and the accuser for that matter] have left the University). So many cases like this don't get reported because the hell of enduring the public scorn and scrutiny is nearly worse than the crime. Then the victim is left alone and broken, unsatisfied for justice and even for human decency. Sexual crimes don't leave their victims easily. They're one of the worst things one person can do to another while the victim is still breathing at the end of it. And so often in sports these stories are treated with the same disdain that the attacker had for the attacked. We can continue to focus on Derrick Rose's speeding ticket, or we could use this horrible example to improve the quality of life of people not only in Iowa City but around college campuses throughout the country. Depending on the degree of accuracy in these allegations, massive changes need to take place at the University of Iowa and in the psyche's of sports fans when it comes to sexual assault by athletes. Football, like all sports, is just a game. And while Kinnick Stadium is still going to be filled with black and yellow fans this fall, all pumping money into the University, there is no price on sympathy and the well-being of the students, nor should there be a money maker at any institution of higher learning that is more important than doing the right thing.
We could all stand to remember what's important in life and what makes us human beings. And that's the double truth, Ruth.

A Plea for Iowa

This is going to be one of my more self-indulgent posts. I'm from Iowa. And Iowans, I found, are sort of a proud bunch. Maybe you work with one, and if you do, you damn sure know he's from Iowa, don't you? We talk about it all the time. It's not that we think that Iowa compares with New York but it's just that we have a lot of great things there and we're tired of being flown over/forgotten/confused with Ohio. And as an Iowan living in Los Angeles, I feel like I must represent the 515. And to people around here, Iowa needs representing. I used to work at a job where the hours were 10am-4pm. The people there had never left LA and they were completely oblivious to the fact that comments like "The Midwest is unsophisticated and redneck" would irk me. They just figured I knew. "People from Iowa are lazy and stupid." Well, we get to work before 10, I can tell you that.(Side note: The picture to the left is from a trendy clothing store in Des Moines that sells funny, Iowa-centric t-shirts, I own one that says "Iowa 2008: Rock out with your Caucus out. [Sider Note: I totally went to high school with the dude in the picture.]) I grew up in Des Moines and am damn proud of it and have seen the positive steps she's been taking to be one of the premiere small cities in the Midwest (I'm not talking about overtaking Chicago here, but we should at least be considered on par with Blowmaha, Nebraska, I mean, c'mon). In fact, as far as an art scene Des Moines, really only trails cities with populations five to ten times its size (Chicago, Minneapolis). Des Moines has a great Art Center and an annual Art Fair that is one of the most desired fairs to get into in the country. The education is top notch, to say nothing of the State Fair, plus we get to pick the president every four years. But this is a sports site and I will discuss sports of which Des Moines DOES have a proud tradition. We've got a AAA Baseball team (the Iowa Cubs [don't make me tell you who their affiliate is]), a NBADL basketball team (the Iowa Energy), the country's biggest triathlon, a decent marathon, a college of athletic distinction (Drake), and two professional hockey teams. And I'm here to talk about those hockey teams.

I remember fondly the days of my youth when I'd saunter down to the 95KGGO Arena to take in the Des Moines Buccaneers and their brawling style of hockey. The place was always packed and rocking. See, up until around 5 years ago, the Bucs were the only game in town and they had a rollicking group of loyal fans (Full disclosure: I was not one of them. I say I remember fondly but, honestly, I can only remember maybe two or three times I ever saw them play, they're a junior tier 1 team in the USHL, so there's not really all that good of hockey being played at the 95KGGO Arena). And those fans came back time and time again but it wasn't to see hockey. It was to see local guys fight each other. The Bucs were and are the classic "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out" team. None of these guys went on to be contributors on any NHL teams, most of them were out of hockey in a matter of years. Yet they sold that place out. And for 20 years were an institution of the Des Moines sporting scene. So when the NHL was looking to place developmental teams they thought Des Moines was an ideal place. "Look, these people sell out this junior tier 1 team, and they suck. PLUS they're close to Minnesota, so they must be hockey mad; lets put a team there." And in 2005, a team owned by the Dallas Stars and the Edmonton Oilers moved into Des Moines brand new Wells Fargo Arena; the Iowa Stars. And the Stars are pretty good. I saw a highly competitive game there last year against the Peoria River Rats that was exciting as hell. They are constantly in the playoffs and, gasp!, a lot of their players go on to play in the NHL. And when the team moved in, there was talk that the Buccaneers would be out of business in a few months because of the better competition in the Stars. Hasn't happened. The Bucs still sell out. The Stars struggled to fill half the seats. And that's a fundamental truth about Iowans. We don't care about hockey. We really don't. There are two sports that inexplicably skipped over Iowa on it's way from Minnesota to the St. Louis area; hockey and lacrosse. We're a wrestling state. We like football because people tackle each other like it's wrestling and we like Bucs hockey because people fight likes it's wrestling. That's just the way it goes. So a few months ago the Dallas Stars say, "Nuts to this, we're leaving," and pulled their affiliation with the team out. A few weeks after that, the Anaheim Ducks came in and bought a part of the team and with them came a name change; the Iowa Stars are now the Iowa Chops. The. Iowa. Chops. Our hockey team is named after meat. Or facial hair. Or acting ability. By the cartoonish boar's head that is the logo it appears to be the former. I'm not going to get into how stupid of a name that is because that has been noted elsewhere just notch it up for another embarrassing sports name in the land of Iowa.

I've long felt that Iowa, and Des Moines in particular, should distance itself from the common conception that we ride cows to work everyday to our offices made of corn but that doesn't appear to be the case (the Iowa Energy's name is a take on the fact that Ethanol is made from quite a bit of Iowa corn [however some of the proposed names were far worse; Scarecrows, the Maize, and Corncobs. Are you kidding me? Corncobs? My favorite part? On the Wikipedia page for the Iowa Energy it says, emphasis mine, "However, the team later announced that, because of GENERAL FAN DISLIKE, none of these names would be the team name." Love it.]) I don't know if the Iowa Chops will fair any better than the Stars did (the Des Moines Register article mentions that new owner's Anaheim are known for their physical style of play, "Come see them, they'll fight more!") but in the AHL ownership change doesn't change the team on the ice all that much, so who knows? Anyway, as many positive steps Des Moines has been taking lately this kind of crap is a step backward.

Furthermore, why is that all these teams are the Iowa Chops or Iowa Cubs or Iowa Stars. Besides the Bucs (and the now defunct Des Moines Dragons basketball team) none of the teams make any mention of Des Moines. The idea is that we must promote Iowa first and Des Moines' recognition will come but that doesn't make any sense. Des Moines can stand on its own. Des Moines pretends that it wants to be taken seriously as a big city but then it does crap like this and it drives me nuts. Please, Iowa. We're already proud of you, now give us a reason to be.

Where the Iowa Chops play. Eat 'em up, Chops!